Jealousmate » Marriage

Relationship Advice For Overcoming Jealousy

Mon, 13 Apr 2009 14:13:24 +0000

Relationship coaches tell us that Jealousy is related to two emotions–fear and anger. Fear of losing what we have and anger at whoever seems to be threatening to take it from us. In a society such as ours where the opportunity for cheating is ever present, it is jealous behavior which is the biggest threat to our relationships.

Every emotion that we have is connected to a reason. For example, we feel sad when we lose something that is important to us; we feel angry when we want someone to do something and they are not doing it. We feel jealous when we believe that a significant relationship is being threatened by a rival.

The purpose of jealous feelings is to prompt us to take action which reduces or eliminates that threat. Just as it would be extremely counterproductive to hit our boss when we are angry, or smash our computer when we are frustrated, so it also very damaging to try to forcibly control our partner or violently confront whoever we are jealous of.

While many people realize that they must not take such violent and coercive action, they have few skills for managing their feelings. The result is that they suppress their feelings. The jealousy still shows, the stress still grows, and their relationships are impacted never the less. The emotion must be positively dealt with or it will grow and spread like weeds on the front lawn. It won’t be long before our neighbors can see it too.

To effectively deal with jealousy, we must adopt a mindset which prevents jealousy from happening in the first place. As you read the following statements, write on a piece of paper any that you find difficult. These will be the ones you will need to work on with your relationship coach or counselor to reduce your jealousy.

IDEA #1. WE DO NOT OWN THE PERSON WE HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH:

*My partner is not my property.

*Someone could not steal me from him/her without my agreeing to it. So too, someone cannot steal him/her from me without him/her agreeing to it.

*He/She is an intelligent adult who has the capacity to make his/her own decisions about relationships.

*Just as I could leave him/her, so could he/she leave me.

IDEA #2. OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD BE ATTRACTED TO MY PARTNER:

*My partner is attractive to me. It is natural that other people will feel attracted to him/her as well.

*I don’t need to try to stop them from being attracted to him/her.

*My partner goes to great lengths to be attractive to me, to himself/herself, and for others. It would be strange if people were not attracted to him/her.

IDEA #3. THREATS TO MY RELATIONSHIP COME FROM WITHIN OUR RELATIONSHIP–NOT FROM WITHOUT

*Before my partner had a relationship with me, he/she had the same opportunity to be with other women/men as she does now. He/She decided to choose me and continues to do so each day.

*My partner chose me because he/she believed me to be a better partner for him/her than other women/men.

*Working on being a wonderful partner myself is the best way to protect our relationship, although it does not guarantee it.

It is our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world which prompt us to take the actions that we do. If, for example, we believe that we need to control our partner to protect our love relationship, then we will do it–even if it is self-destructive. It is also our beliefs which prompt us not to take action when action would be the best thing to do. If, for example, we do not love ourselves, it is hard to believe that others could really love us either. For that reason, many people spend most of their energy trying to protect themselves rather than to truly love their partner. Healthy relationships require us to change our unhealthy beliefs.

Learning to have a great relationship entails more than just what to do on a date or learning the best position for having sex. Great relationships are only possible when people overcome their insecurities; become the kind of person that they love; see, respect, and love their partner as they really are; and make the relationship part of the bigger picture of a great life.

Pathological jealousy in paranoid personality disorder

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 10:14:34 +0000

The serial bully’s concern of exposure is reminiscent of Paranoid Personality Disorder, a model of general distrust and suspicion of other people and their motives are translated as being malicious. They display an inability to trust and have uncertainties about other people’s loyalty.
They tend to distort things, misinterpret information and hold grudges.
Pathological jealousy, spontaneous aggressive reactions, the necessity to control and dominate others, and collecting insignificant or circumstantial “evidence” to confirm their jealous beliefs is also a feature of this condition.
The Diagnostic Criteria for Paranoid Personality Disorder are a general distrust and suspicion of others to such an extent that their motives are understood as being malevolent as indicated by at least four of the following statements:
1. suspects, without adequate proof, that other people are exploiting, hurting or betraying him or her
2. is obsessed with unreasonable doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or companions
3. is reluctant to trust iother people because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used against them in a malicious way
4. Interprets hidden humiliating or menacing meanings from harmless comments or events
5. Consistently holds grudges,for example is unforgiving of (imagined) insults, injuries or rebuffs
6. perceives assaults on his or her character or reputation that are not evident to others and is quick to respond angrily or to counter-attack
7. has continual suspicions, without basis, with regards to the faithfulness of their spouse or sexual partner

Why I Think the Failing Marriage Help Will Come From Open Relationships

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 04:50:35 +0000

FRANCIS K GITHINJI asked:

Marriage is mostly as a result of friendship, love and compatibility. Each others company is of paramount importance in marriage. You share so much in common and have invested a lot in your marriage to let it go down in flames. Marriage help can save all that binds you together and ensure that you remain intact. Monogamy is the way to go for many marriages but as a way to offer failing marriage help, many are opting for open relationships. If as a couple you have realized that your marriage problem is called by monotony, try open relationships. They have a way of turning around failing marriages to ones that work. All the problems are solved and the love is renewed once again. The marriage blossoms and you grow grey together.

Open relationship is an arrangement where couples agree to have sexual partners outside marriage while their marriage still remains intact. Both couples have to be comfortable with such an arrangement. One thing you should maintain to embrace such failing marriage help is honesty. It is the virtue which made you to agree and propose the arrangement so do not hide about the number of sexual encounters you have had at a given period of time. Talk it all and have fun. Openness in such intimate matters allow communication to flow in all other areas in your marriage including finances.

You should be keen to rule out jealousy in open relationships. If you are are the type of people who suffer from chronic jealousy you should stick to monogamy. To go for such failing marriage help avoid insecurity. Open relationships require self confidence, confidence in the your spouse and in your marriage too. It won’t work for you if you tend to think that your spouse might find someone else who she/he might like better than you. If your marriage lacked in the area of sex, you are outsourcing the service to make it complete. I am sure you must be compatible in all other areas and you should trust that what brings you together is unique. It must be greater than sex.

For open relationships to work as a failing marriage help, set some ground rules to work with. You should agree on the venues for sexual encounters with other partners. For instances you can agree to bring your lovers in your house but set aside the bed room as for the two of you only. You can as well agree to keep the house out of bounds for the third parties. Such open talks brings you even closer it is unbelievable. What about coming up with a veto list? This is a list of proposed people to involve in your open relationship. Even the most jealous proof partner will be uncomfortable with his/her partner having sex with some people. Agree on the class, age and other categories of your sexual partners. While at this, agree on the type of contraceptive to use to avoid bringing more problems to your marriage. Birth control is important if lack of kids is not the reason for your failing marriage.

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Dealing With the Problem of Jealousy

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 05:44:30 +0000

Robert Elias Najemy asked:

Bill is very jealous of Efi and does not want her to ever leave the house without him. He is afraid that some man might approach her, and he cannot stand the idea of another man even looking at her. Although she has given him no concrete reason to fear, for some reason, he does not trust her. He feels intense fear, self-rejection and anger.
His sense of self-worth as a man is highly associated with his being only man whom Efi could possible care for. When asked why he fears this so much and gives so much attention to this possibility when he has never seen Efi flirting or paying attention to any other man, he cannot answer. He does not know why, but he totally loses control, intimidates and even threatens physical violence when Efi goes out of the house for a reason other than shopping.
Ironically, Bill’s eyes tend to follow attractive women whenever they pass. His mind is very focused on women. Perhaps this is because his mother gave him very little attention, or perhaps she never breast fed him, or she herself had a tendency to flirt, something which demeaned his father and made Bill feel ashamed. He may have, at that time, made a vow never to be demeaned like his father.
Efi, on the other hand, comes from a family that allowed very little freedom. She was free to go on her first date only after the age of eighteen. Now with Bill’s problem, she is experiencing the same restrictions and clashes she’d had with her parents. She is living a personal reoccurring nightmare.
At first she tried to avoid conflicts by not going out at all, but she nearly went crazy. She tried to plead and reason with Bill, but the subject was a source of great pain and anger for him and he inevitably ended up threatening her.
Efi is not interested in other men, but she cannot stand this suppression and distrust. She begins to go out ever more often and their conflicts have become more frequent and intense.
What can they do to get out of this vicious circle?
What do they need to learn to solve this problem?
Bill:
Does he need to work on his childhood years and get free of that image of his mother flirting?
Does he need to let go of his self-doubt?
Is his lesson to feel his self-respect and self-worth as a man independent of what his wife does?
Does he need to learn to care more about Efi and her needs?
Does he need to learn to trust her more?
Does he need to communicate differently, expressing his needs and fears and not his anger and threats?
Perhaps he needs to become more self-sufficient.
Efi:
Is her lesson to understand Bill and help him feel safe?
Is it to go out anyway and let him deal with his emotions?
Does she need to overcome her programming from her childhood years so she can feel her right to be independent and also free herself from fear of conflict?
Does she need to respect his needs more and feel her freedom while helping her loved one?
Does she need to respect her own needs more?
Does she need to find a different way of communicating with him?
Does she need to overcome guilt?
Both need to work on their childhood programmings.

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