Robert Elias Najemy asked:


Bill is very jealous of Efi and does not want her to ever leave the house without him. He is afraid that some man might approach her, and he cannot stand the idea of another man even looking at her. Although she has given him no concrete reason to fear, for some reason, he does not trust her. He feels intense fear, self-rejection and anger.
His sense of self-worth as a man is highly associated with his being only man whom Efi could possible care for. When asked why he fears this so much and gives so much attention to this possibility when he has never seen Efi flirting or paying attention to any other man, he cannot answer. He does not know why, but he totally loses control, intimidates and even threatens physical violence when Efi goes out of the house for a reason other than shopping.
Ironically, Bill’s eyes tend to follow attractive women whenever they pass. His mind is very focused on women. Perhaps this is because his mother gave him very little attention, or perhaps she never breast fed him, or she herself had a tendency to flirt, something which demeaned his father and made Bill feel ashamed. He may have, at that time, made a vow never to be demeaned like his father.
Efi, on the other hand, comes from a family that allowed very little freedom. She was free to go on her first date only after the age of eighteen. Now with Bill’s problem, she is experiencing the same restrictions and clashes she’d had with her parents. She is living a personal reoccurring nightmare.
At first she tried to avoid conflicts by not going out at all, but she nearly went crazy. She tried to plead and reason with Bill, but the subject was a source of great pain and anger for him and he inevitably ended up threatening her.
Efi is not interested in other men, but she cannot stand this suppression and distrust. She begins to go out ever more often and their conflicts have become more frequent and intense.
What can they do to get out of this vicious circle?
What do they need to learn to solve this problem?
Bill:
Does he need to work on his childhood years and get free of that image of his mother flirting?
Does he need to let go of his self-doubt?
Is his lesson to feel his self-respect and self-worth as a man independent of what his wife does?
Does he need to learn to care more about Efi and her needs?
Does he need to learn to trust her more?
Does he need to communicate differently, expressing his needs and fears and not his anger and threats?
Perhaps he needs to become more self-sufficient.
Efi:
Is her lesson to understand Bill and help him feel safe?
Is it to go out anyway and let him deal with his emotions?
Does she need to overcome her programming from her childhood years so she can feel her right to be independent and also free herself from fear of conflict?
Does she need to respect his needs more and feel her freedom while helping her loved one?
Does she need to respect her own needs more?
Does she need to find a different way of communicating with him?
Does she need to overcome guilt?
Both need to work on their childhood programmings.

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Ron Zvagelsky asked:


Jealousy is often regarded as the green-eyed monster. Indeed, it may be true considering that once a person is caught in its web, he or she is turned from a normal and loving individual into an enraged and delusional creature.

Couples in a relationship are especially more susceptible to jealousy attacks, although everyone has, at one time or another, been guilty of being jealous. The important thing to remember is that jealousy can be overcome. What you need to figure out is, first, how to recognize the signs and admit to yourself that you have a problem. Once you’ve acknowledged that you’re being affected by it, you need to find out how to deal with it and in the process prevent yourself from falling under its spell again.

How do you know when jealousy rears its ugly head?
Jealousy flares up when one partner feels insecure or threatened either by a real or an imagined threat. It is oftentimes considered normal to feel a little bit of jealousy over something real. Jealousy in small doses is pretty normal as it results from your feeling of inadequacy when compared to someone or something better. For instance, you may have that feeling when a good-looking woman (or man) comes up to your partner. This situation may sometimes bring self-esteem issues to the fore. However, when you assume something more than what seems to be only a passing acquaintance, then you’re in danger of feeding your distrust and paranoia and may ultimately lead you to extreme fits of jealousy.

Another condition when a person becomes a prisoner of jealousy is when he/she has been deceived in a previous relationship and still harbors some feeling of distrust towards the opposite sex. You may recognize this person as a perfect candidate for jealousy when he/she becomes too interested in your activities to the point that he/she constantly checks-up on you, is always suspicious of friends and people you deal with on a regular basis, and sometimes, even goes through your personal stuff.

Dealing with the Green-Eyed Monster
In order to successfully keep the jealousy monster under control you have to search your feelings to try and find out the underlying cause of your jealousy. When your partner looks at another, do you feel that you’re going to lose him/her? Do you believe that he’s devoting too much time to another instead of you? When you ask yourself these questions, you will be able to determine the intensity of your jealousy and realize that if you’re behaving irrationally then the problem might lie with you.

Sometimes, it’s simply your perception of yourself that seems to be the problem. If you constantly find something wrong with yourself every time that you look in a mirror, then it may be time to correct it. Sometimes, a simple change like a haircut, or a change in wardrobe may be the solution. If you feel the need to alter your appearance through modern cosmetic surgery, then go for it, as long as you believe that doing so may boost your self-esteem and give you back your self-confidence. The key here is to change the way you view yourself in your mind.

Talking to your partner about your apprehensions may also help. You may set some rules on behavior at the onset of the relationship and commit to them. This will establish the foundation for trust between the two of you. If at any time, one of you makes a mistake, keep the communication lines open, keep an open mind and discuss the situation. Trust will develop and flourish as the relationship grows.

You also have to learn to control your emotions and confront your fears and suspicions in a rational manner. Remember that jealousy can affect everyone. You have to value the effort you and your partner have both put into your relationship. There may be a chance that your assumptions may be baseless. You wouldn’t want to ruin a good relationship if you let your jealousy control you.

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