Most jealousy is irrational based on fear of losing the loved one. Ironically it’s this fear and the way that it makes people act, which is most likely to bring the feared loss about. Anyone who constantly accuses their partner of misbehaving, expects them to account for their time, pries into their mail, email or telephone communications is behaving unreasonably.

They are probably acting out of fear or at least lack of confidence but that makes their behaviour no less distressing to the person experiencing it.

If either you or your partner is excessively jealous this can only damage your relationship, cause you both misery. In some instances it will it make continuing the relationship impossible.

So how can you tackle this source of harm to your relationship? Firstly by making this decision, if your partner has given you no grounds for suspicion that’s probably because there aren’t any. In other words they are not misbehaving and you have every reason to trust them.

If you feel that your partner has given you grounds for suspicion then you will need to look at those grounds reasonably. Questions I often ask to people who consult me about this problem are “when”? “Where”? and “why”? do you think that your partner might be being unfaithful?

It’s surprising that the people who suffer from excessive jealousy often have partners who are rarely out of their sight. Surely a partner who wanted to be unfaithful would create opportunities to be away from them. However the fact that your partner may work long or irregular hours or travel on business does not mean that they are being unfaithful. The fact that someone may have an opportunity to behave in a particular way doesn’t mean that they will or even have any desire to.

These are some of the most common answers that I receive to the question “why, do you think that your partner is being unfaithful”? He’s started to come home from work late, lost interest in sex, come home smelling of perfume in the case of a man, s/he has started to lie about where they are spending their time when not at home, I just feel that s/he is having an affair.

When we look at these behaviours reasonably most have innocent explanations. Staying late at work for example could simply mean that s/he is trying to catch up on a backlog of work or avoid driving home in the rush hour. People may have reduced interest in sex due to tiredness,depression,hormonal changes,health problems or the side effects of prescribed medication.

The fact that your partner lies about where s/he is spending time when not with you could have a number of explanations some innocent, some less so. Your partner could be lying to cover up an addiction to drink, drugs or gambling. Wouldn’t you want to help them if this were the case? Or they could be working extra hours in order to give you a special gift or take you on a wonderful holiday.

“Why” is a very important question? Why did you think that your partner was having an affair when there were so many other possible explanations for their changed behaviour? The chances are that the answer is in your past, did one of your parents cheat on the other? Have you had this negative experience in a past relationship? If so its important to realise that what happened is in the past. I understand that it was painful but dwelling on it is only likely to damage your current relationship. It’s really important to let go of this negativity so that it doesn’t hurt you and the person that you love. Invest in professional help if necessary. It’s worth making the effort.

So far I have addressed this article to the person suffering the torments of their own suspicious mind. Now I want to turn from the perspective of the accuser to the accused. To suffer the torments of your partner’s suspicious mind can be hell. As hard as you try to reason with them it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Realising why they are behaving in this illogical fashion may help. Strange as it sounds they are acting out of love (yes, I know that a jealous persons behaviour can seem anything but loving) and fear the fear that you will leave them. Reassurance may help. Try to explain that they are loved and you are not involved with or seeking to be involved with someone else. Try also raising the questions posed above. “Why do you think that I would want to have an affair with someone else”? “What makes you think that I am having an affair”? “When do you think that I spend time with this man or woman”? In answering these questions the accuser will probably reveal his/her need for you as their partner and fear that you might leave. This will make discussion easier as it is getting closer to the true source of the problem. That being not the returning home from work later or seeming to have less interest in sex; these are just the happenings that have triggered insecurity in the accuser.

It might help to share with your partner the everyday reason as to why you are returning from work later or for any other change in your behaviour. Keeping your jealous partner informed would ease their insecurities.

In the same vein if you have a jealousy problem just imagine how irritating it would feel to have your partner constantly questioning how you spend your time when not in their company People tormenting themselves and their partners with jealousy need to learn trust. Your partner is not the parent or past partner who behaved badly in your eyes. Your jealous behaviour is the greatest threat to your relationship not other people who may find your partner attractive.Your partner has chosen you.

Remember the qualities that caused them to choose you and continue to display those qualities. If you are on the receiving end of displays of jealousy try to remember that your accuser is suffering too. It’s hard to be sympathetic to someone who is behaving in this fashion. However it’s a joint problem so you need to solve it together. Your partner must have some good and loving qualities or you would not be remaining in the relationship. Perhaps with patience and reassurance you can talk things through and solve your problem. It’s unlikely to happen overnight. However reassurance could help your partner to relax leading to less jealous displays leading to a better relationship. Or you may need to seek professional help.

This article deals with the subject of irrational jealousy. The situation where life partners are actually having affairs is beyond its scope.

Finally, how to tell if something belongs to you? Let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesn’t it isn’t. This applies to people too.