Robert Elias Najemy asked:


Bill is very jealous of Efi and does not want her to ever leave the house without him. He is afraid that some man might approach her, and he cannot stand the idea of another man even looking at her. Although she has given him no concrete reason to fear, for some reason, he does not trust her. He feels intense fear, self-rejection and anger.
His sense of self-worth as a man is highly associated with his being only man whom Efi could possible care for. When asked why he fears this so much and gives so much attention to this possibility when he has never seen Efi flirting or paying attention to any other man, he cannot answer. He does not know why, but he totally loses control, intimidates and even threatens physical violence when Efi goes out of the house for a reason other than shopping.
Ironically, Bill’s eyes tend to follow attractive women whenever they pass. His mind is very focused on women. Perhaps this is because his mother gave him very little attention, or perhaps she never breast fed him, or she herself had a tendency to flirt, something which demeaned his father and made Bill feel ashamed. He may have, at that time, made a vow never to be demeaned like his father.
Efi, on the other hand, comes from a family that allowed very little freedom. She was free to go on her first date only after the age of eighteen. Now with Bill’s problem, she is experiencing the same restrictions and clashes she’d had with her parents. She is living a personal reoccurring nightmare.
At first she tried to avoid conflicts by not going out at all, but she nearly went crazy. She tried to plead and reason with Bill, but the subject was a source of great pain and anger for him and he inevitably ended up threatening her.
Efi is not interested in other men, but she cannot stand this suppression and distrust. She begins to go out ever more often and their conflicts have become more frequent and intense.
What can they do to get out of this vicious circle?
What do they need to learn to solve this problem?
Bill:
Does he need to work on his childhood years and get free of that image of his mother flirting?
Does he need to let go of his self-doubt?
Is his lesson to feel his self-respect and self-worth as a man independent of what his wife does?
Does he need to learn to care more about Efi and her needs?
Does he need to learn to trust her more?
Does he need to communicate differently, expressing his needs and fears and not his anger and threats?
Perhaps he needs to become more self-sufficient.
Efi:
Is her lesson to understand Bill and help him feel safe?
Is it to go out anyway and let him deal with his emotions?
Does she need to overcome her programming from her childhood years so she can feel her right to be independent and also free herself from fear of conflict?
Does she need to respect his needs more and feel her freedom while helping her loved one?
Does she need to respect her own needs more?
Does she need to find a different way of communicating with him?
Does she need to overcome guilt?
Both need to work on their childhood programmings.

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Jane Straus asked:


Dear Jane,

How can I let go of resentment towards my mother for being thin and lose weight myself?

I wanted to answer this question because, even if weight is not everyone’s issue, resentment and jealousy torture most of us at one time or another.

Jealousy is an indicator that we believe someone else has something that we cannot attain. We may experience jealousy about someone’s looks, their financial status, their popularity/success, or their personal life. But it all comes down to the belief that we can’t have what they have.

Why would we believe this unless we didn’t think we were equally deserving? So jealousy helps us recognize that we are feeling unworthy in some way. And unworthiness is the bottom line issue for almost all of us. The good news is that it’s curable.

To heal it, we have to change the question from, “How do I get what so-and-so has?” to “How do I get that I am worthy?” What I talk about in my book, Enough Is Enough!, is that we won’t necessarily wake up one morning with a belief in our own worthiness. Like any other belief, it takes repetition and practice to “get it.”

So how do you let go of resentment towards your mother for being thin and lose weight yourself? How do you get that you are worthy of having the body you desire?

Before eating or before opportunities to exercise, you ask what I believe is the most healing question you can pose:

“If I knew my worthiness in this moment, what would I do?”

Whether we want to lose weight or experience more love, success, or happiness, I recommend asking yourself this question at least ten times a day every day. You will find that as your sense of self-worth grows, you will suffer less from jealousy and resentment.

Create a video blog…instantly.

Jane Straus asked:

Dear Jane,

How can I let go of resentment towards my mother for being thin and lose weight myself?

I wanted to answer this question because, even if weight is not everyones issue, resentment and jealousy torture most of us at one time or another.

Jealousy is an indicator that we believe someone else has something that we cannot attain. We may experience jealousy about someones looks, their financial status, their popularity/success, or their personal life. But it all comes down to the belief that we cant have what they have.

Why would we believe this unless we didnt think we were equally deserving? So jealousy helps us recognize that we are feeling unworthy in some way.

The question changes from, How do I get what so-and-so has? to How do I get that I am worthy? What I talk about in my book, Enough Is Enough!, is that we wont necessarily wake up one morning with a belief in our own worthiness. Like any other belief, it takes repetition and practice to get it.

So how do you let go of resentment towards your mother for being thin and lose weight yourself? How do you get that you are worthy of having the body you desire?

Before eating or before opportunities to exercise, you ask what I believe is the most healing question you can pose:

If I knew my worthiness in this moment, what would I do?

Whether we want to lose weight or experience more love, success, or happiness, I recommend asking yourself this question at least ten times a day every day. You will find that as your sense of self-worth grows, you will suffer less from jealousy and resentment.

Create a video blog…instantly.